


What he is

by CathInTheBox



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Also changed the name from 'What he feels' to 'What he is', And character death, And this came to my mind, Kidnapping, Please be warned that there are mentions of suicidal thoughts, i dont even know, there was stuff about him being said on tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-13 02:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10504107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CathInTheBox/pseuds/CathInTheBox
Summary: He wasn’t stupid.He was a ninja.He was a liar. And a good one at that.





	1. What he feels

Ever since he could remember, he had always heard lies about him from his three older brothers, of course they weren't that bad really. So yeah, maybe he was a bit distracted when doing something before another thing called his attention, maybe he was a bit annoying when trying to do his pranks at his brothers, maybe, _just maybe_ , he was a bit silly and happy just so that his brothers could smile and be content themselves with his shenanigans.

All those things were some of the things his brothers had assumed he was.

And he hated that.  

He wasn’t _stupid._

He wasn’t _clumsy_. 

He wasn’t _innocent or pure._

He wasn’t _naïve_ either.

He wasn’t _merciful._

He was a **ninja.**

He was a **warrior.**

He was a **survivor**.

He was **persuasive.**

**_He was a liar._ **

And a good one at that.

Maybe that was the reason his brothers never knew different or were in the dark about his true nature.

Now, don’t take him wrong, he liked humans, after all, he had April and Casey as friends, but there were days he despised humans a lot. Days like when they saved a few people during the week from other humans without receiving a ‘thanks’, just screams and ‘monsters!’ were the words that would tend to escape from those trembling lips that just moments ago were asking to be saved.

Why were humans _ungrateful_?

Why were humans _hurting each other_?

**Why were they so stupid?**

He once laughed a bit too loud when those thoughts appeared again in his head, earning raised eye ridges from his big brothers, looking at him funny. He just ended telling a lie as to why the sudden outburst and they either shrugged or shook their head at him before returning back to the lair.

It was so easy to lie to them.

It was also easy to lie to himself.

Like that other time when he killed someone.

He remembers telling himself it had been in self defence, that the guy had a gun pointed at his head and was about to shoot at him. There was never a gun, no self defence, no threat.

Michelangelo simply had made one little mistake, ending up slipping from the roof and falling into bags of trash. Thank the stars that his brothers were nowhere around when it happen, they would of laughed at him. While standing up and making sure he was ok, he heard a gasp behind him, making him tense before turning around and looking into the eyes of a homeless man.

The moment the guy saw him better, he began to throw stuff and was screaming. Really, it was something Mikey would of just let it slide and would of gone to the roofs again if it weren't for those words.

_“Abomination”,“Monster”_

There were more words thrown at him, but those two were the ones that made him snap something that had been holding him for a while.

When he came to, his hands and his now formed kusarigama were covered in blood, not his, but of the guy that was laying limp on the floor, throat  cut open, blood spilling from there.

“...I should probably be going” and that was that. He remembers cleaning himself and his weapons before returning to the lair.

He tries to forget that he killed a possible innocent man that so far the only ‘flaw’ Michelangelo had seen was to judge him to fast.

Or perhaps not.

Perhaps that man was right.

He had killed him without a real reason.

Did he felt bad when it happened? No.

He actually felt really content with that.

Maybe he was a monster.

But as long as no one knew.

He was to keep being Mikey, the prankster, the joy of the family.


	2. What he does

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He feels tired, he feels lost, he feels lonely.
> 
> And suddenly he stops feeling all together.

**I haven't been myself lately**

**I don't blame you for not wanting to stay**

 

He couldn’t believe it, yet knew that it was all his fault no matter how much he tried to deny it. He hated how his mouth would work, would say things without his permission, would hurt his brothers and friends, would hurt himself. He doesn’t remember how it started, he only knows that he stopped being himself after that day.

He hates that he can't keep it long enough for the others to stay with him for more than five minutes.

 

**Saying things that I don't mean**

**Not meaning what I say**

 

He remembers when he first hurt his big brother, the one he admired the most, he hurt him. He didn't mean too, he really did, but when it came to an apology he couldn't simply say it. The words, the same that hurt his brother, didn't want to come out of his mouth now.

 

**When it's good, it's so good**

**When it's bad, it's SO BAD**

 

**"Maybe I REALLY have gone mad!"** he once screamed in his room, hands on his head, trying to think what was wrong with him, maybe that was it, so many things they have been thru all this years and he finally lost it! Maybe he knew that his life was coming to an end and could only say what was on his mind. Maybe he wanted to be open to the rest of them, more so than ever and yet. YET. He hurt them, deeply.

 

**What am I supposed to say**

**When I end up driving everyone away?**

 

Screams could be heard from everywhere and yet at the same time coming only from one place. Him. His words had caused a conflict with his family and now they were gone. Because of him, his words, his attitude, they couldn't work well together and now? Now they were gone, Shredder had taken them, the moment he saw a chance he killed them and left him alive. 

Why?

Why couldn't he go with them too? Why why why why.

 

**Cause, I am on fire**

**A crying, burning liar**

 

He knew why, he hated that he knew the answer but what else was new? He wasn't the same as he used to be before. Yet it hurt, it hurt to know that because of him, his words, he was alone. But...hadn't he always wanted that? Deep down? His brothers always made fun of him since he could remember. They were hurtful most of the time but he had taken the job to not care about them, to be the pranker, the joy of the team.

And he betrayed that when he made a deal with his _Master’s_ , his _father’s_ _enemy._

 

**Seeing nothing, nothing, but myself**

**And I'm the one with the lighter**

 

His screaming and sobs turn into wet laughter and euphoria. He should be happy. It was done, he was no longer tied to people that were hurting him for so long.

So why did he felt empty? Why did he felt like he committed the ultimate sin? Why why why why?

 

**Every inch of me is charred**

**God, what happened to my heart?**

 

He doesn't remember how it happened. He can only feel himself sticky and heavy, breathing hard and feeling tired and hurt. He looks around. 

Blood.

Most of it comes from the bloody and dismembered body two feet away from him. It takes him a few minutes to realize that he killed him. He killed the Shredder and yet he doesn't remember how.

He knows why. There is no need to dwell on that part.

He checks his body, he didn't come out of the fight intact really, he has a big gush on his right arm and it seems that it was broken as well. He guessed he deserved that, after all, he did turn on who was supposedly his ‘ally’.

 

**I'm about to fall apart**

**Again, again**

 

He screams once more, this time out of rage. He screams until he can't any longer. He feels tired, he feels lost, he feels lonely. 

And suddenly he stops feeling all together.

Looking around, baby blue eyes land on the bodies that were scattered all around Shredder’s lair. He should do something about it, and he does. He finds what he needs and is only when he comes close to each one of his brothers that he takes a moment to look at the unmoving bodies.

He doesn’t feel anything.

Yet tears fall from his eyes.

With just one healthy arm and body tired, he burns the place, it takes time, yes, but no one is coming to check on them. They believe that Shredder has won and that’s ok. Because it’s true.

And he helped him do it.

 

**And you're never coming back**

**And I'm not okay with that**

 

He goes back home. No, it’s not home anymore, it’s just an empty subway station now and he is just waiting.

For what? He still doesn't know.

It takes him a while to understand what has happened. It takes him time to get used to stop acting like a goof. It takes him time to stop calling for his brothers.

It takes him a year to realize that he can't keep being alone forever. He thought about suicide, it seemed like such a good idea at the time but no, he can't. He needs to pay for what he did.

But a year seems enough of a payment. He wants to socialize again, start being a goof again, he wants his old life back.

But he can't have it back. He can't, can’t, can't, can’t...or can he?

He goes to the lab. After a year, everything seems the same, except there is dust and everything that had been liquid had either evaporated or was of an off colour. But he doesn't care about that, he wants one thing and he finds it. He is indeed no genius like his old brother but he can work on it somehow.

After all, he had enjoyed watching his tall brother do his thing with machines, the patience, the concentration. Of course he couldn’t be good like his brother, never would he be that good, but he was a survivor, and survivors tended to do what it takes to keep going in life.

And that’s what he did.

Of course it takes him time, his broken arm, despite having healed, would still make him groan in pain when using it for too long.

But he does it. He somehow altered the Kraang portal. It took him another year but it’s done. He doesn’t celebrate though, he simply tries to search for an alternate universe, one similar to his.

 

**And I should've never let myself get attached**

**Again, again**

 

He finds it and without a second thought, he makes his old home explode.

He doesn't feel anything, yet, the pain on his chest tells another story.

He knows what he needs to do, and can't help but feel  _ something _ when he notices that the lair is once more empty, except for his alternate self, who was playing video games, laughing and enjoying his time until his other self felt him.

Only to end up being knocked down by his nunchucks.

Michelangelo doesn't waste time and does what he needs to do with his other self before his brothers get back from wherever they had went.

 

**What's done is done**

**And nothing's gonna change**

 

Once they’re back, he receives them with his trademark grin and asks how things went. 

He feels right back at home, as if nothing ever changed, as if he never betrayed them, as if this wasn't the first time in two years since he saw them again. They are unaware of what took place there and that’s fine by him. He doesn't mind acting up again, he wants to do it, to be the fool once more, forget everything.

 

**I should be moving on**

**But I still feel the same**

 

But he can't, he can't do it, he still feels empty. Why? This are his brothers! Why? This is the exact same world as his! Why? They still act the same as before! 

Michelangelo knows all the whys, knows so well the answers. He is simply in denial, that’s all. He is alone in this world even when he is surrounded by people that love him.

No, not him, but the other  _ him _ . The one he keeps locked away in another abandoned subway, one that his genius of a brother had yet to install cameras and detectors there. He could've killed him, it wouldn’t be his first nor his last kill, but he can’t. There is something different about his other self that stops him from thinking on doing something to him.

So what he does is take care of the other turtle when  _ his brothers _ are sleeping or uninterested of what he does.

 

**And it's like every day**

**Is a fight for my life**

**To get some self control**

 

He regrets to talk to his other self. To Mikey. This other version of him isn’t exactly like him. 

Mikey is truly a bubbly little thing, one that got lucky. Yes, his brothers do say things he doesn’t like, but they apologise later and know that he is trying his best to help them with their own problems.

Michelangelo hates him. Hates the fact that Mikey’s brothers are like that, because he knows what he told him is true. He had a first time experience not to long ago when he did one of his pranks on Raph. It was the same as always, screams, chasing and hitting.

Only thing was, the hitting wasn't as hard as his Raphael would of done to him, it was a playful one even before being let go and getting a warning before the hot headed went off to the dojo.

It broke Michelangelo. That was not something he was used too and after that? He tried avoiding altogether the red clad turtle as long as possible.

“I talked to him, dude. When we were seven I told him that I only wanted to make him smile and laugh at my pranks, so he shouldn’t take them as a big deal” Mikey had answered his question as to why Raph would be so... _ tame _ about the pranks.

Michelangelo stood still, thinking each word... before he laughed, one hand holding his stomach.

“ _ Raphael _ doesn't do talks”

“Maybe yours not, but mine does” that shut him. Only to end up growling at Mikey, throwing his food inside the room he had put his other self in before walking away once he closed the door.

He didn’t want to hear about it.

He can't help but feel once again empty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Again (Crusher-P) covered by Araki


	3. What he hates

**And when you've forgotten who I am**

**It just feels, it just feels...**

**I'm nobody at all**

 

It’s sad really, how he started to realize that despite this world having all the similarities with his old one, he doesn't know who he is anymore. It’s so weird for him how  _ his family _ treats him better than his own. If he gets hurt just a bit,  _ his brothers _ are there to make sure he’s ok and that to not try to do it like that.

It freaks him out to the point that he runs away in the middle of getting scolded by Donatello, he can't, he can't, he can't.

He can't take that. It’s too much for him. He wasn't used to that. He was used to his brothers talking, lying about what they thought about him, THAT he could take, he was used to lying and it was easy to fake his emotions. And yeah, sure, he had wanted to do it once more because he missed that.

He missed lying to himself.

Michelangelo didn’t want this.

 

**I lost myself hitting the ground**

**I tried to scream and made no sound**

**I should have known it was no use**

 

He should of never have talked to Mikey again. It only makes it worse because the other turtle, his other self, doesn't hate him or despise him for keeping him away from his family. Mikey ends up telling him stories whenever he comes to feed him, the turtle talks about his childhood, about the stuff he has done with his family and friends. All sounding almost the same to what he could remember, except it’s not.

Because Mikey has good brothers, that tease him and care for him, and worry that whatever they had said had upset him. They talk and do stuff together and enjoy it.

He listens and he hates it. No.

He hates Mikey, his life. Everything.

 

**To try and run from**

**The cycle of abuse, the cycle of abuse**

 

He doesn't know  _ how _ to really enjoy all that has been told to him or what’s going back on the lair. Everything is just new to him and even when he tries to lie to himself, to believe that he can actually be happy there, and just enjoy all of this.

He can't. He got used to being treated as if he wasn't totally part of the team, not taking in notice of his ideas or suggestions, of being always hit by little things he did that were so annoying to the rest.

He can't take it anymore, he can't stay there with that family, not his, never his. It’s at one point that he breaks and he runs from everything.

He goes to hide in the abandoned subway station, mind racing, trying to calm himself. But as he has to much in mind, he never realized that  _ his brothers _ had ended up following him there.

Michelangelo doesn’t hear the voices calling out his name, to deep in thoughts and trying to compose himself.

But Mikey does and he calls back for his brothers.

He cries when the door is open and his brothers appear, looking puzzled at seeing him locked in a place like that, they joke, telling him that he had locked himself up there, and Mikey sobs, but is one he tries to make it sound like a happy one.

“Yeah I did, bro” he tells them and hugs his closest brother, and that’s when his brothers knows something is wrong, more so because Mikey seems a bit thinner and paler than before.

The family end up finding out soon that there are two of the same turtle and that in the last couple of months they had been living with the one that came from another world.

They don't understand at first why there is another one, but Mikey tells them, tell his brother the things the two of them had exchanged during that time, how he had looked on his behavior. How lost is the other orange clad turtle.

 

**I am on fire**

**A crying, burning liar**

 

Donnie asks Michelangelo about his family, about his Donatello, asks if he can contact them, because maybe they are looking for him.

Michelangelo laughs, it’s a forced sound and he tries, he tries to compose himself, but it only ends up in him shaking and hugging himself.

He misses Donatello. He misses Raphael. He misses Leonardo. He misses his family, but he doesn't have one anymore.

He lies. Of course he does.

He lies that it was ok, that his brothers probably were looking for him.

He lies. He tells them he is sorry for kidnapping Mikey, he was simply scared and he didn't know how well would they react having two of him there.

 

**Seeing nothing, nothing, but myself**

**And I'm the one with the lighter**

 

Mikey knows Michelangelo is lying, but doesn't say anything, during the last week, he saw how his other self started to break until he made the mistake of bringing his brothers to where he had been imprisoned.

But Mikey isn’t mad at that. He comes closer to the other turtle and puts his hand on his shoulder.

“Is ok to let it out” baby blue eyes stare right back at mirrored ones. “You don't have to keep hiding yourself” and is enough for Michelangelo to let his tears fall after two years.

He tells himself he doesn't feel anything. But the pain in his chest is there again, and this time he doesn't care to let all those emotions he had been hiding deeply in himself, let out and he screams.

He doesn't want to be a liar anymore.

 

**Every inch of me is charred**

**God, what happened to my heart?**

 

It takes around half an hour but is enough for Michelangelo to compose himself a bit, holding for dear life to his other self, eyes closed because he can't, he can't look at the other turtles there. It hurts.

It hurts that he doesn't have a family anymore. It hurts that he was so angry with them and wished for them to be gone.

It hurts that he was still alive instead of him being the one gone and they alive.

 

**I'm about to fall apart**

**Again, again**

 

Michelangelo breaks once more, this time whispering his tale to Mikey, who hugs him tighter and rubs his head and shell, silently listening to him before asking his brothers a moment to himself and perhaps a bit of water for the two of them.

Mikey’s brothers are wary, after all, how could they trust the other turtle after what he did to their little brother? But their brother’s puppy eyes is enough for them to believe, trust, not on Michelangelo, but on their Mikey.

Once alone, he listens intently to what was being said from his other self and despite trying to hold it back, he whimpers and cries a little at hearing that Michelangelo doesn't have a family anymore, that it’s his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault.

“I’m sorry” Michelangelo holds Mikey tighter when he hears the other’s apology. Why apologise to him? He was a traitor. He was a murderer. He was an angry being.

But he knew why. He always knew.

 

**And you're never coming back**

**And I'm not okay with that**

 

“I know they are not the brothers you lost” he can't help but cringe at that choice of words, hadn’t Mikey been listening to him? “But they are still family and...I know that with a bit of time they can be  _ your family  _ too.” 

He knows that he is never going to see his brothers and friends again. He knows it's going to be longer than _ a bit of time  _ before he trusts another person, that  _ they _ trust on him too.

What he doesn't know is why is he trusting Mikey.

No, he knows too.

He trusts Mikey because he can tell that his other self is not lying.

And he likes that. He likes the idea of someone finally not lying to him.

He can only nod at those words before being guided out from the room he had been hiding himself.

He never lets go of Mikey’s hand, he is too scared that everything is a dream.

That he lied to himself once more.

He didn’t want to lie anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr folks, if ya want to check it out or say or request something jumpybox.tumblr.com


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